My Dear Friend,
Are you, a friend, or a family member considering marrying or remarrying? If so, the following information will be helpful.
Is your prospective spouse a born-again Christian? That's good, because by inspiration the apostle Paul ordered all Christians to not be "unequally yoked" with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). God cannot honor your marriage if you dishonor His biblical instructions. But there's more.
Never marry someone, even a Christian, with the hope they will change after you marry them. That is a proven recipe for disaster. Either accept them just as they are, or do not marry. In either case, I suggest you do a baggage check. What do I mean?
Before you fly, airport security officials will check your bags thoroughly to see if any item in them might potentially endanger the flight. For instance, a bomb! I'm sure you have experienced this: "Sir, would you please step over to this area. Our scanners detected something in your baggage we want to examine more closely." No mere routine, baggage checks have detected many bombs, prevented hundreds of air disasters, and saved thousands of lives. What's my point?
Before you take off and fly away into marriage, follow the example set by these wise security officials. Check your potential spouse's baggage to see what they will carry on to your "flight." You don't want a spiritual, emotional, or other type of "bomb" to detonate after takeoff and cause your marriage to explode and crash.
For instance, check their:
- Physical baggage. Are they chronically ill? Do they have injuries, or other physical conditions that limit their ability to enjoy normal activities with you? Are they a smoker? Or very overweight? Are there foods they cannot eat? Are they taking reasonable care of their body?
- Financial baggage. Are they deeply in debt? Do they have trouble managing their money, or have a bad credit score? Are they employable and able to contribute to your new household's income, if necessary? Are they compulsive or binge buyers? Have they been living off credit?
- Emotional baggage. Are they angry or fearful much of the time? Are they envious? Or vengeful? Are they easily made jealous? Are they excessively prideful? Scornful of others? Prejudiced in their views?
- Psychological baggage. Are they easily depressed? Do they remain so for hours or even days at a time? Have they ever had a psychosis, say, for instance, Paranoia or Bipolar Disorder? Have they ever been under the care of a psychiatrist or mental health institution?
- Family baggage. Do they come from a broken home? If so, have they come to understand and accept what has happened without bitterness? Do they have difficult parents? Do they get along well with their siblings? If they have children, are they agreeable to your proposed union? Are their extended family members friendly, or troublesome or rude and hard to deal with?
- Marital baggage. If they are divorced, have they settled all the issues from their former marriage? Or are they still angry and slanderous toward their former spouse? Did they humbly acknowledge things they could or should have done better? Or do they put all the blame on their former husband or wife? Were they unfaithful in that union? Are they still in love, or noticeably too friendly, with their former spouse?
- Moral baggage. Have they been promiscuous most of their adult life? Do they consider adultery wrong? Have they practiced any deviant sexual behavior? Do they consider abortion murder or merely a matter of women's health care?
- Racial baggage. If you marry someone of another race, understand beforehand you will be rejected occasionally, probably by individuals from both races, because all races have racists. You may have bigots in your or your proposed spouse's family. Are you ready for this? Are you ready for your children also to face rejection at times?
- Occupational baggage. Is their job or profession acceptable to you? Does it require them to travel often? Are they in a high-stress job: a law enforcement officer, in the military, a firefighter, trial lawyer, or surgeon? Do they have to work late, or on weekends, regularly?
- Religious baggage. Do you share similar Christian beliefs, doctrines, and experiences? Or are there wide differences in your religious experiences, beliefs, and maturity of faith? Have you agreed on which church or fellowship to attend? Have you each accepted your personal responsibilities in your new marriage as taught in Scripture (Ephesians 5:22-33)? Do you both believe in giving regular support to your church, and other excellent ministries and missions?
- Political baggage. Do you share the same political, governmental, economic, or social views as your potential spouse? Are there any very contentious issues over which you just cannot agree? Have you agreed to disagree agreeably?
- Age Baggage. Is there a large age difference between you and your prospective spouse? Have you considered how this will affect your life after five, ten, twenty years? Are you prepared for one of you to be very advanced in age while the other is still young enough to desire a more active life?
- Petty baggage. What are your spouse's little quirks, irritations, or eccentricities? We all have them. Do they snore? Is their laughing too loud? Their coughing abrasive? Their cleanliness lacking? Are they a sloppy housekeeper? Do you strongly dislike their very favorite things: music, books, movies, or hobbies?
Please note, if faced and worked through beforehand, none of this baggage need prevent a proposed union. It depends on how you handle it. But the point is Christians should never go into a marriage blindly, ignoring their spouse's baggage because they are inclined to ignore things that may cause trouble, or they tend to shirk challenging responsibilities, or they are simply in a hurry to marry. None of us likes to discover negatives that threaten to spoil our heart's desires. However, as spiritually minded, fully surrendered disciples of Christ, our human desires must always be subject to God's wisdom. And His will - which is always best for us. If not, we will always suffer for our folly, sooner or later.
Therefore, I humbly recommend you consider your potential spouse's baggage patiently, prayerfully, thoroughly, and with an open mind. Be ready to proceed or halt, should that be God's will, before you takeoff on your marriage flight. If after doing so, you feel sure the union is not only your will but God's, go forward confidently, ready to live joyfully with your spouse just as he or she is - baggage included - inspired by your love, and God's. And by the way, don't forget your spouse will also have to love you enough to live with your baggage!
Summing up, it's better to do an examination now than to have an explosion, and failed marriage, later. Save yourself, your spouse, and others much grief. Do a baggage check, please!
For marriage security,
Dr. Greg Hinnant
GREG HINNANT MINISTRIES